Self-Improvement Tip: How to Avoid Becoming Toxic to Yourself and Others

This self improvement tip is a humorous poke at myself and others like me - Compulsive Caretakers (though there is a ring of truth in it). It is not to be confused with the Care Givers out there struggling to take care of a loved one that is facing medical or other personal challenges . That is another issue that will be addressed – though, I believe the steps suggested later in the piece could benefit both Care Takers and Care Givers and frankly, all folks.

You may or may not be able to relate personally to this self-help piece, but you may know someone that needs to read it. There are many of us “do-gooders” out there that always have a vital cause - that always seem to be self-sacrificing for others – that seem superhuman and should be worshipped for their goodness – if only they weren’t so sickening. Yeah - been there, too. So let me tell you how it happens and what you can do about it.

“Compulsive Caretakers” or CCs are a combination of righteous warrior and eternal Pollyanna. We have likely been blessed with the right caring charisma that attracts the needy. If we don’t attract them, we will just go out and find them. CCs are born with the perfect personality – ENFPs or INFPs for the Meyers-Briggs Fans – and the optimal childhood programming – usually a dysfunctional family in which one or both parents are missing or emotionally detached so the CC is eternally recreating the “I know I will finally be loved and wanted if I am just a bit more giving” situation.

The CC’s general make-up is easy to recognize, especially for the various con-artists and psychopaths that roam our society. You may also recognize us as the over-achievers and the lovable volunteer. We are the folks that do the following but not completely inclusive; take on the burdensome roles that others are wise enough to shy away from, serve on various “needs” committees, walk the streets begging and bullying our friends for necessary fund-raising, get up early to click through our chosen cause websites, rarely – if ever – make our own luncheon preferences known, eagerly change our own plans to accommodate someone else’s, plaster a perma-smile and weary but lovingly patient eyes while present and accounted for in various visiting areas, social events or soccer games, or wait – ever hopeful that we will be put on a stone pedestal or at least worshipped after our “death – by – wear – out”.

And, by golly – we are great people! But we face grave danger each and every day. It is bad enough that we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by others, but we can spoil and become toxic by our own doing – by not doing for ourselves what we so eagerly do for others we can become as needy and/or repulsive as anyone else out there! In addition, we sometimes go way too far and try to take care of others that may not need or want our help! Let me give of example from my own life.

Imagine minding your own business – for once - and having someone come into your office to report a problem in the dumpster outside. Two baby raccoons had gotten into the large metal container and could not seemingly get back out. The one baby was spitting mad and trying to protect his sibling who was doing poorly health-wise. Of course, I rushed out in my high heels and smart suit ready to go dumpster diving.

Thankfully, another person stepped in with advice – just as I was kicking off my heels and hoisting my skirt – “Ah, you might want some heavy gloves and a bite proof container for the little fellas.” As I peered over the side on the container and witnessed one little “fella” jump up hissing at me, I decided that advice was pretty smart.

I’m sure the whole scene was pretty comical as more folks gathered and stared at me in disbelief as I tried to wrestle myself up over the sides of that dumpster. I must have shamed one of the men in the crowd who was shoved forward by his sister to help me.

The reluctant hero jumped into the trash with his big gloves and a bucket and we all cheered him on like a sporting event. The little raccoons were more competition than we had all bargained for and the cussing and hissing rang out from the mess. My new hero got the babies into the bucket and I took off like a shot with them to the closest “wild animal” vet.

The vet thought I’d lost my mind by bringing both raccoons in together as one was obviously healthy enough to take care of himself. So I paid to have the one nursed back to health and took the other one back to release him at the pond near the dumpster to regain contact with his family. Still peeved, he took off without a backward glance, let alone a grateful lick on my hand. I was horrified to find out that the other survived and was let loose far away – so my dreams of a loving family reunion were dashed. Maybe I expected the little guys to come around to show off their family? Maybe I thought they might stop by to wave through my window - sitting up on their haunches and smiling? Regardless. It didn’t happen that way.

So listen up and quite trying to shimmy up that stone pedestal. Take some of your own advice for once. You know you’d tell this to others…

1. Take time for yourself - Take a bubble bath, read an escapism book, eat something yummy and maybe not so healthy, do SOMEthing for you. And don’t tell me you don’t have time…get up a bit earlier. You would if someone else needed you to.

2. Paint your own vision - Decide about what YOU want.Remember that whatever it is you are “putting up with” is likely temporary. Don’t mire in it and forget about your own future. You will go on so where do you really want to go?

3. Set your own goals - Take action.There are steps that can be taken to create your vision – so figure them out or enlist help to sort out the steps.

4. Work on taking forward steps everyday - Commit to yourself and your goals to stay sane and less toxic to everyone. Revert to Number 1.

So take a self-improvement tip from one that knows you. Get over yourself. You make your own choices. Whatever you have on your plate is something that you may or may not believe that you have unwittingly gotten yourself into. Yes, you and only you. Whether you believe in Karma – Life Lessons or God and the Universe, there is a reason that you are where you are – so you can either take the lesson or blessing for what it’s worth or campaign the Vatican for sainthood and repel thus ostracize yourself from all those around you. Which would make you more successful? I think you know the answer.

Cheers to your SuCCess! ~ Janus Moncur - The Co-Creative Coach™